on the way here i was walking behind a girl in shorts who had extremely tan legs but very very white feet. it looked so strange.

why is it my "buddy list" thingie doesn't turn pink anymore when people have updated?

i've barely eaten in the past several days. yesterday walking up stairs i kept swaying and hitting the wall. luckily no one saw. i think.

i told the MD my moods are worse than ever. so she doubled the lexapro dose. i still don't feel better. she also doubled the klonopin. still can't relax, can't sleep. i think my alcoholism has made my liver immune to all foreign substances...

i really like my substance abuse counselor. she is so awesome and she has this way of getting me to say things to her that i've never said to anyone. like on wednesday i just blurted out that i cut. i downplayed it, made it sound like i don't do it as often as i do, but i told her. the first flesh and blood person that knows.

my regular counselor is leaving in three weeks. i almost don't want to see her anymore at all. what's the point of trusting her more? but then again i'm graduating in six weeks or so...then what? i can't afford to pay for a shrink or a therapist. my insurance won't pay. so back to square one?

and i'll be staying at my parents' for the summer, which isn't even square one. it's square zero. staying in the room i grew up in, where the tears and the blood and the suicide attempts flowed for so many years. even when i'm home on vacation i can feel it haunting me, feel myself regressing, feel it spiraling me down. and i'm going to be there for three months. without help.

god i feel like all i do here is bitch and moan and whine. you've got enough problems of your own, don't you...

sorry y'all.

starving + bleeding