...guess i should get off her first...

anyway. i've been researching alcohol anon online. considering it. it's actually gotten to that point. am i really an alcoholic? all signs point to it - extensive drinking alone, blackouts, trying repeatedly to quit and can't, having a good time is predicated on the presence of alcohol, missing work/school becaue of alcohol, having severe problems in other areas due to drinking, etc etc etc. so i am definitely an alcoholic. i thought i knew that already, but it still came as sort of a shock. because knowing that comes with ramifications.

so i've looked up a a meeting times. but i don't know if i can go. i don't know if i can take that next step. because then what?? never drinking again? i don't know if can do that. i don't know if i want to do that. i don't want to be out of control - that's what i DO want. but to never have a beer with friends or wine with dinner? that's a pleasure in life, one of my few. can i give that up too along with the disaster side of my drinking?

i know this sounds dumb, the fact that i would choose social drinking over fixing my life and putting an end to the chaos i bring on myself because of the fact that i can not control myself around alcohol. it really is no contest. but it's more than that i think. could i give up such a large part of myself? and what would be left? how else would i escape the pain and torment of my existence? maybe if i gave it up i would have less pain? i certainly wouldn't have those awful mornings, when i've done something despicable the night before. but at night when i'm alone and i'm in despair often it's a choice b/t reaching for the knife or the bottle - and isn't the bottle a better choice? fuck i don't know.

this weighs me down so much. i need to think about it some more. but i definitely need to figure out something.

something has to happen.

starving + bleeding