*in your head, in your head, they're still fighting*

*in your head, in your head, they are dying*

cheerful music for a crisp saturday afternoon. i don't know, i'm just in a wallowing mood, i guess (ha! what else is fucking new)

i went out for drinks with some friends last night (yes, drinks. ugh. but i didn't get wasted, which is the good news. the bad news is after a bottle of champagne and two beers i didn't get wasted. sheesh.) anyway, my friend turns to me and says in a low voice that she thinks one of our (more "healthy-looking" shall we say) friends is anorexic. i just stared at her, willing my jaw not to drop. now, i know that i don't know what's going on in this friend's mind, she may very well BE anorexic, i'm not saying she isn't. but. i haven't eaten anything in front of her in almost a year. my clothes are hanging off me. my fingernails are blue and i have lanugo. i wanted to kick her. i feel even more invisible than ever. ugh.

fuck em.

do you ever feel like you don't have an original thought in your head? like every thing you think and everything you say you got from somewhere else? last night i quoted movies and tv like ten times. their retorts and observations are just more witty and interesting than mine i guess - they just pop out, without me meaning to. and when i whine and bitch on here about my life and being fat i feel like i'm just recycling someone else's pain. i meet people who make razor sharp observations about the world and who are educated and are real thinkers and i feel so inadequate - i want to be like them, i want to be original like them (how's that for a contradiction in terms?? fuck)

i got home last night a little after 11pm and lay on my futon and thought a lot about shit. i realized that i really want someone. i really want someone to take care of me when i'm sick, someone to laugh with, someone to have friends over with and have intimate parties with. i want someone. god how pathietic. i've spent my whole life proving how i don't need anyone, fuck the world, i'm independent, i take care of myself, i don't need anyone or anything!!

it's not working. i want someone. fuck.

starving + bleeding