sorry didn't elaborate too much on the last entry. i was just pissed at myself for having two bottles of wine the night before. and after having gone four whole days without anything. oh well, as scarlett said tomorrow is another day. and here i am.
weekend was good - not too productive but at least i was able to make it through without drinking myself into a stupor. and as a reward i'm down three pounds for the week - even with my two bottle disaster. when i think about how much progress i could have made all this time if it weren't for my drinking - the mind reels.
i really think my drinking problem stems from two causes. One, absolute boredom. i am so bored with my day to day existence that i can't even stand it. law school blows, my friends blow, and i have no energy or interest in taking up skydiving or whatever. Two, and the more obvious, is trying to escape from pain - especially when i'm at my most bored and am therefore alone with my thoughts. i don't think when i drink. even before i'm drunk, i'm still off in another world...one where i just don't think about all the crap i've gone through and the shit that i'm going through. no thoughts, just blackness and peace.
but if i want to get off this fucking train (and i do - so so much) i need to do something - find something else to distract me, or make myself think about shit or whatever...of course last week when i wasn't drinking my cutting was worse - i guess that's the logical replacement...
is it fathomable that i can lose one sort of self destructive behavior without worsening another? i feel like the poster child for cross addiction. if it's not whole hog one thing it's another. at least it's not everything. i haven't smoked in a week...
go me.

starving + bleeding