man sometimes i sit back and i think about just how fucked up i am and it really fucking freaks me out.

sat night i drank over two litres of wine. two fucking litres!!! that's almost three bottles for those of you out there keeping track. my friends took me home and put me to bed and while i was laying there practically comatose they took off my clothes and fucked me. i knew what was going on, if i really wanted to i could have stopped it. i just didn't care. i really didn't care. then i woke up the next morning, obviously feeling like shit, and spent the whole day wandering/crawling around my apartment wondering how the fuck i got here. really. why am i so miserable? why do i do absolutely terrible shit to myself? is it all as simple as low self esteem? or a bad childhood? why do i starve myself? why do i slice my skin? why do i go on drug binges and drinking binges? i really really wish i knew.

i haven't eaten in three days. but the calories from all that fucking wine i'm sure more than cover my, ahem, caloric needs.

i really want to change. i do. but at the same time this is me. how could i ever give it up?? i'm so miserable but i don't know if i can part with my misery, even if i had the first clue how to.

starving + bleeding