yeah so i spent about an hour this morning looking around the internet for a new layout - nothing jumps out at me...of course i'm limited cause i know jack shit about the internet and anything that requires me to "host my own images" and deal with "zip" files is out of the question...i'm just a plain old "cut and paste" grrl and believe me, it took long enough for me to figure that out!! but i feel the urge for a change...

last week i didn't update cause really, wasn't a lot of shit going on. first week back at school - going to class, trying to actually do work for a change, get a schedule. i don't know why but for some reason i am obsessed with my day planner. i have it with me at all times and i'm constantly fiddling with my schedule - every hour accounted for and planned. i normally do that during finals, where time is at an absolute premium, but to feel this way now is a little odd. i have to know exactly what i'm going to be doing for the entire week, and at any point where something might change i have to get out my planner and stasrt moving things around. very very odd.

eating was actually pretty good last week - by good of course i mean bad. no more than 900 a day, which is still a little high, but i'm easing off the wild binge that was the summer. all was good until the weekend and the alcohol started flowing. how to reconcile being an alcoholic and a avid restricter?? who the hell knows. but i do feel that my restricting is taking over a little bit. for i can imagine giving up alcohol. realistically, for the first time ever. i think it might actually be possible. i was home for a week, and didn't have any alcohol until i went out friday night - which is huge!! normally, i would've gotten wasted by myself at my apt at least twice or three times during the week. you know what? i didn't even crave it!! i actually didn't crave it when i went out either, it was more force of habit than anything else. if i can learn to ignore the habit and focus on what i really want then maybe, just maybe, i can beat it...god wouldn't that be wonderful?? to not be hungover half of my life??

of course that may be a little too hopeful - after all, things have hardly reached near maximum stress level - but if i can keep myself at just one coping mechanism (restricting) rather than all (drinking, smoking, cutting etc) - well then. that would be a dream come true.

well i guess i found a new layout after all!

starving + bleeding