i just wish i could lay off the alcohol!! do you have any idea how fucking skinny i'd be if i didn't drink?? it's unbelieveable!

i need something to numb me...it's sad but i do! cutting, burning, and bruising all work but are next to impossible when my H is home. i took some leftover risperdal last night and that was a big fat mistake - it made me incredibly dizzy and slightly psychotic. not the best idea when i have to get up and teach the next morning. plus i was terrified that t would notice something was up.

i hate being so sneaky. part of me wonders if i do it on purpose - the whole self sabotage thing...we're ok, but if he found out there would be huge problems and it would be an enormous mess....just like things were ok before and then i had a raging manic episode and ran up my credit card - things still aren't ok from that. i feel like i always create a problem, like it isn't possible for me to be still and peaceful and quiet....i always gotta bring the drama. is trying to get numb worth the risk to my marriage?

you wouldn't think so...

starving + bleeding