i moved out most of my stuff today. he told me yesterday over the phone that he wasn't going to let me in (i have a key, but there's a chain lock) i spent the rest of the day stressing majorly, fretting about whether he was going to make true his threats, whether i was going to have to call the police to make him let me in, etc etc. i was so stressed i hardly slept at all.

of course this morning he let me in, no problem. i swear he did this on purpose, got me all riled up knowing i would obsess about it and pull my hair out. he's manipulated me for months and i swear, i'll be damned if i let it happen again.

i don't know how people come out of divorce without absolutely hating the concept of dating and marriage. i have such a long way to go and already this entire experience has left an awful taste in my mouth. not to mention that this terribly ugly side of his personality came out AFTER we were married, almost the day we got back from the honeymoon. i don't care who i'm dating, i don't know that i'll ever shake the fear that once i make a commitment, BAM! comes out their demon side.

i really think i was happier single anyway. he used to say that some people are just not meant for marriage and i was one of them. he meant it in an asshole-y way, saying that i was a terrible wife. but to some extent i think that's right. i did love the ability to live my life entirely on my own terms, answering to no one, even being able to indulge in my unhealthier habits without fear of consequences or repercussions.

i found an apartment to move into May 1. i'll have 2 roommates, one of which owns the house. i hate having roommates but in my current financial situation i don't really have a choice. hopefully we'll be able to get on ok. they both said they're hardly ever there so that's a plus if it's true. it's completely furnished, even my room. she has impeccable taste, i've gotta tell ya. it's beautiful. it'll be nice to pretend i have such good taste (and that i had the money to make it happen).

i need to figure out ways to occupy my evenings. i go to the gym after work, but often once i get home i have too much spare time on my hands which can lead to b/p episodes or drinking. anyone have any ideas? i need ideas to fill empty time on the weekends, too. today i wasted money on a b/p just out of sheer boredom. i hate that.

starving + bleeding