thank you to everyone for your wonderful support. it means so much to me.

when i went back last time, things were better for a couple weeks. then we slowly began to deteriorate again. he started his tirades again, on almost a daily basis he would rant and rave about how much misery i brought him, how he'll never have anything because of me, how he's destined to be miserable forever because of me, how i'm such an awful burden to him, how our relationship brings nothing good in his life, etc etc etc. plus i was constantly on eggshells because just about everything set him off. if i closed the bathroom door too loudly, if i spilled rice on the floor, if i forgot to close the closet door. i couldn't do anything right, and i was driving myself crazy trying to be perfect so he couldn't get mad at me.

then there was the food thing. i have to admit that was the final straw. for awhile now he has been trying to control me through food - getting mad if i ate something he thought i shouldn't, telling me i'm eating too slow, too fast, with too small bites, but also too big bites. that's kind of what made me take a step back and see just how ridiculous he was being. he's also still accusing me of doing drugs, and recently if he finds a scratch in the furniture he's convinced that i did it on purpose with a knife. WTF?!?

he's been threatening me - saying that if i say anything to my family then he'll call them up and tell them how crazy i "really" am. he said he'll tell everyone he knows about my issues. he says that if i try to divorce him on the grounds of verbal abuse he'll fight the whole way and air everything out in open court. he's such a jerk.

frankly, i don't get it. if i bring him so much misery i don't know why he wants to stay together. i think it's more of the idea of it not working out so soon after the wedding. he doesn't want the embarrassment of being divorced. he says i'm a shame to myself and my family, that i've brought shame on him and his family and that i'm a disgrace to the institute of marriage.

what a peach he is. i have no intention of going back. i gave him a chance to change and he didn't. one of the conditions of us trying again is that he would get therapy. well his idea of getting therapy is shooting the shit with his academic adviser for a half hour a week. that's bullshit. i told him again and again that he needed real therapy but he refused to go. now that i've left he's promising to change and promising to go to therapy. i don't believe him anymore. but he says i'm the one that doesn't want to try to fix things. i feel like i've given it a fair shot and i'm not going to continue in this toxic environment for a second longer, i don't care if he goes to ten doctors at this point. fuck him.

starving + bleeding