shit shit shit

i don't know what to do.

last week i was going through a terrible purge episode. purging 6-7 times a day for days and days. by the time i showed up for my therapy appointment, i was exhausted, bloated, teary, and beyond despair. pretending that anything else was going on in my life at that time seemed ridiculous.

so i opened my big fat mouth and absolutely everything poured out. everything i'd been doing. he knew i had an eating disorder but since i never talked about it, he thought that it was something that happened sporadically and not too severe. well. that certainly is not the case. i told him about all the purging, how even on a good day i purge at least once or twice. i told him about my awful thoughts about my body, about food, about other people. about not being able to work because i'm too obsessed with food and calories and throwing up. i told him that around my fifth or sixth purge of the day i'm just praying for a heart attack so i can die and it will all finally stop. i told him about not eating, restricting my calories as much possible and purging whatever it is i end up swallowing. i told him about my hand numbness, fainting, and my messed up heartbeat. it all just came out like a bad case of verbal diarrhea.

he was pretty silent, listening to it all. he was taken aback when i told him about the constant purging. "you've purged SIX times today???" "this has been happening for HOW many years?" after i was done talking the hour was up and he told me how hard it must have been to talk about it and how he appreciated my honesty.

of course as soon as i left i started getting pissed at myself. how could i talk about this?? how could i give away my secrets so easily? now what?! now he knows what a filthy disgusting pig i am!

so i go to my appointment this week, and after the usual niceties he tells me he has concerns. he said that through this behavoir i'm not committed to keeping myself safe. he said that when i'm wishing for a heart attack, it might not be an actively suicidal act, but it's passively suicidal. he asked what was supposed to be his role - to meet with me every week until i "accidently" die? or did i want help with this?? i got the impression that if i said no that he would want to end our sessions, he didn't want to spend time with someone who didn't want help and who was just waiting to die.

so i said yes, i wanted help. and that is mainly true. this constant purging has got to stop, and i obviously need help with that. so we are going to start "working on it." i also have to start seeing my medical doctor regularly to keep tabs on me medically. that i really want no part of, but i agreed to it anyway.

but the thing is, after thinking and thinking about it - i don't know that i want to recover!! yes, throwing up less would be great, but i want to be thin!! i want to still be able to restrict and restrict and get thinner and thinner! and i don't know how that will work out...and if i tell him that, no thanks, i don't want to recover, he will think he's wasting his time with me. there are still other things i need to work on, being borderline, the cutting, turbulent emotions and all that and we've been making progress in those areas...

maybe we can just focus on the purging. i really do want to be able to stop that. i just want to be able to keep restricting and lose some more weight. but does that mean i'm lying about recovery?? i think it does...gah. i don't know what to do.

i wish i never opened my fat mouth.

starving + bleeding