visiting my mom on the psych ward is so fucking hard.

i was there for about four months, save the few days here and there i was discharged, went home, and proceeded to attempt suicide again, landing me right back in there.

so many feelings live there - despair, pain, fear, anguish, voices, hopelessness, death. they are all stirred up in me and swirl around like a storm. when i'm on the ward i feel like i'm a patient again, everything looks so goddamned familiar, like i never left. and the feelings confirm it. i spend the whole time feeling like i'm gonna puke, so much anxiety in my chest that i feel like i'm going to suffocate.

she's doing better, i guess. they think she'll be going home sometime this week. she's got in into her head that this is the perfect time for she and i to become BFF, and her doctor thinks that's just brilliant. in my head i'm screaming no no no! i don't want to be her friend! she is the major reason i have most of my issues and so much pain originates from her actions and words. she thinks we're not close now because my father stood between us. we're not close because she was horribly abusive to me for most of my life!! and now she wants to go shopping, link arms, and skip down the street, laughing all the way. it makes me sick. everyone is like, how wonderful, a mother and daughter should be close, think of all the good times you'll have! yet all that swirls in my head is all the pain i have just being around her. i don't think i can do this. but how can i say no, i don't want to be close to you. i'd really rather have nothing to do with you! then i'm the awful bitch who doesn't care enough to "support" her in her "recovery" and to do what it takes to make her life worth living. in doing so i may lose the desire to live my own.

sheesh. i hate this shit.

starving + bleeding