i always thought it was strange that my therapist never mentioned my ED. i mean, there it is listed, #3 under Axis I. i never brought it up, but it did seem odd that there was never any mention of it.

until my last session (not the bawling my ass off one, the one after that). he totally caught me off guard, we were just sitting there and he just came out with "let's talk about your eating disorder, we've never talked about it" and i was so surprised that i said ok. i told him about being 10, and after being told that all women gain fat tissue during puberty, i used to stand in front of the mirror, vigilant against any possible gain of fat. i told him about the year i ate nothing but salad. i told him about the hatred of my filthy, disgusting body and the hatred of my mind. i told him that i didn't deserve food, someone like me, who is awful and fucked up and really doesn't deserve a life to begin with, they don't deserve one molecule of nourishment. i told him about my 500 calories a day limit and my goal weights.

he just sat there the whole time, listening, saying nothing. i wonder if he even knows what to do with what i've told him - he's probably sorry he asked. anyway, he said he brought it up because he noticed i was getting thinner (which of course pleased the hell out of me) and he asked if i knew the risks, which of course i do.

He said he wouldn't make it an issue during therapy, like the cutting - he's not going to tell me not to do it, which is good because the last thing i want is to butt heads over my ED.

i felt so uncomfortable, i could barely look at him the whole time i was talking. i've never been this honest with anyone about my ED. my other mental stuff, sure, but for some reason i've been able to keep my ED to myself. i just trust him so much it scares the crap out of me - the more i trust him the more afraid i am that he'll break that trust - does that makes any sense?

i've been feeling pretty shitty lately. i was on a higher dose of wellbutrin for my depression but my psychotic episodes were worsening and since wellbutrin is an "activating" drug that's what he blamed it on. when i was on 300mg i didn't feel bad, but i didn't feel good either - just sort of hollow, blah, feeling nothing. now that i'm back on 150mg i just feel shitty. but i'm not hearing so much crap that just isn't there.

i really want to cut my fat off.

starving + bleeding