my mom was giving me a hard time yesterday - she's all of a sudden - "are you sure you should get married now? you can't pay your bills" no shit sherlock...but not getting married isn't going to make it any easier...although being poor really does suck - it causes stress when we really don't need it...

still no drinking - pretty good. i keep having these dreams where i do have a drink and then i feel incredibly guilty - and then i wake and i'm not sure if i actually had a drink or not -

the dreams happened the last time i quit...i still am trying to convince myself that yes - i have quit drinking, for good, this means that i will never drink again - my brain is already trying to rationalize how i can have a glass of wine every now and then or have champagne at my wedding...my brain doesn't get that for me a glass is never a glass...a glass is a bottle is three bottles is doing stupid shit, ending up hungover and humiliated and hurting those i love and then doing it again and again and again...

but what if....no!! SHUT UP!!!!

argh. i'm going to bed. i'm hungry. not gonna eat tho. yay.

starving + bleeding