ho hummmmm

finals are here. three things standing between me and graduation. and for whatever reason i can NOT GET motivated!! semesters before, there's always been this fear, this panic that kept me driving til all hours of the night, must learn, must cram, must get it all right.

Now...

i don't give a FUCK.

i should have started studying weeks ago. this gives new meaning to last minute. my counselor thinks it's because deep down i don't want to graduate because i'm afraid about what happens next, i don't want to be a lawyer, i don't want to deal with my loans, i just don't know what i'm going to do. so i'm self sabotaging myself. in a way i can see that but at the same time i HAVE to GET OUT of here. three years here has made me more crazy than ever. she suggested i withdraw with a medical leave and i almost had a heart attack. absolutely not.

i think she got scared when i told her how suicidal i was sunday night. i drank all day, drank all night, someone gave me a percocet and my mood went in the goddamn toilet. i started burning myself with my cigarette, right there in the bar, in front of my friends. they wanted to take me home but i said that if they took me home and left me alone i would kill myself. and i would of. they didn't want to babysit me so they left me in the bar. i sat there, drank some more, until the bartender put me in cab where i went home and passed out.

it was a very dangerous time - i don't know what it was, but it was fucking scary.

and now my friends think i'm "damaged" "insane" "crazy as fuck" i won't be seeing them again...

ah well. have to study anyway. my counselor and i have set a goal of one week with no alcohol. one week. i can do that, can't i??

starving + bleeding