i'm at my lowest weight ever. go me.

is that enough? hells no.

looking back, straining to remember when things were close to normal, as close as they have ever been, is like trying to remember a dream i had years ago. it all fuzzy and faded and the colors are that wierd pastel that only exist in dreams.

was it ever real? did i wear pigtails and roll down a hill in an empty garbage can and eat cherry popsicles until they melted down my hand, turning my fingers red - did i pretend to be a princess in the woods, a mermaid in the swimming pool, did i touch my earrings and say "showtime synergy" in the desperate hopes that i'd turn into someone, anyone, else?

i think i did. who knows anymore.

starving + bleeding