ok.

i have been this way for what seems like forever. i know my behaviors are ingrained. i know eating disorders are not a choice.

but.

every time i go a day without eating i am making a conscious choice. every time i chew and spit i am making a decision to do it. every time i throw up i bounce the idea around in my head and eventually go for it. the person that throws away my food is ME.

i am not a robot automoton. i have a brain. i have habits, i have "behaviors." but there is some thought process involved. there is. usually involving the words "fat" "cow" "blubber" "wobble" etc.

but i choose to listen to it.

are eating disorders a choice? fuck if i know. but the spoiled brat in me can not stand the idea that i have no say at all in this.

but if that is the case, then i am making a conscious decision to do this. what are the ramifications of that?

and if i am choosing to do this, then what? if i can choose to do this that means that i could choose to NOT do this, couldn't i?

the next time i feel hunger pangs, i could choose to eat instead of choosing to not eat.

but.

i tried. i decided to be healthy. four hours later i was thinking...

i don't want to. i don't want to.

so i am making a specific choice to stay unhealthy. but i don't understand why i am making that choice. it sounds so stupid and unbelievable when i spell it out this way. even now, i'm thinking, bitch this ain't you, you don't get beat by shit. you can make a choice to be healthy. you can choose to eat.

but i know everything will change in an hour or so.

starving + bleeding