my grandmother died last night.

i feel like shit. not in the way you're supposed to when someone dies but because:

1. i didn't like her

2. she was a pain

3. she was just diagnosed with Alzheimers and if things got much worse she would have come to live with my parents, which would not have been a healthy situation for anyone.

4. it was always a hassle to go visit her

5. she was always a point of contention between my parents

6. she was so frail she scared me

i think i wanted her to die, deep down. i think i'm glad she's dead, deep down. when i found out she had died i shed a tear, not for her, but for the pain my father is feeling.

i am such a terrible person. i have a black heart. am seriously going straight to hell.

starving + bleeding