oh dear lord.

after years and years of various levels of restriction, from "normal" restriction to severe i have done what i thought i would never do.

i have purged.

it was the strangest thing. went to dinner with friends, ate part of an enchilada, stood up, walked to the bathroom, it was empty, closed the stall door behind me and shoved my hand down my throat.

it all came up.

straightened, flushed, walked out, used a wet paper towel to clean up the mascara running down my face, waited a moment for the redness and watery eyes to go down. walked back out, sat down, and joined in the laughter.

that was last night. all day today i've been dazed - kinda walking around half asleep. i can't seem to wrap my head around what's happened.

but i'm down two pounds.

i was always so proud that i was strictly anoretic, that nothing else touched me.

i've been touched. what now???

starving + bleeding