well i know i said i wasn't going to update for awhile, i'm at my 'rents and am totally paranoid about my dad finding my stuff on his computer. i'm just going so so crazy though that i had to write - i'll delete the history and cookies - if anyone knows anything else i can do to clear shit out zip me an email at [email protected] - thanks in advance...

i am so frustrated...i can't stop eating. i'm here in the house with no alcohol so i can't release that way, so all i fucking do is eat. my friends here are turning into a huge disappointment. can you believe the last three days every friend i've made plans with has called and cancelled at the last minute??? is it too much to ask of people that they show me a scrap of respect??? is that really asking too much? then i bitch them out and end up looking like the bad friend. fuck. i just want to get back to school. back to my apartment. then i will be safe, i can start over, get back into my routine, everything will be back to normal. well, normal for me which is of course not normal but fuck it. i feel so crazy here - like all the neuroses i ever had growing up are hiding in the walls of my old bedroom and seep into my skin as i sleep. before you know it i'll be OD'ing on D 1 m e * t a p p! the way i did the first time i tried to kill myself. back in the day. god what a cheesehead i was.

i just feel so panicked. out of control. i really fucking hate that. i need to get back to where i'm alone and can do my thing and feel somewhat myself again...

starving + bleeding