i don't know what the hell is going on.

the purging is insane. i'm not binging at all, but i'm purging 3-5 times a day. after two pieces of toast, after one beer, after salad, after whatever. t knows about it now. he asked me straight out if i made myself throw up and i knew i couldn't lie. he's going to be my husband and i can't start lying again. so i told him the truth. i did sugar coat it a little - i said i did it only when i felt way too full or if something didn't feel right in my stomach or if i was feeling anxious about it. i didn't tell him that food never feels right in my stomach or that i always feel anxious about food. he wasn't freaked out about it, i think he prefers that to me not eating at all. tonight i told him my stomach was upset and he said "well then go do what you need to do" it's an odd feeling...i don't have to hide it anymore, i don't have to worry about him hearing....he understands. i don't know how i feel about that. does he know what it all means? last night i ate too much and threw up and then i sat down with a snack and he said "why are you eating that? you just ate and were too full and took care of it - why are you eating again?" and i said "because my head is fucked up about food." he said "it really is, isn't it."

at least we're on the same page.

starving + bleeding